The Expat Eagle

Who Should Have Been The New Doctor Who?

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The new Doctor Who has been revealed and the new actor to play the Timelord will be a Jodie Whittaker, female actor. The nerds were up in arms.

In fact, the nerds didn’t know what to do with themselves. They were torn between going on to message boards to complain about the loss of a ‘male role model’ and Googling the key words ‘Jodie+Whittaker+topless’ while having their ‘joystick’ in one hand and a tissue in the other.

But what if the BBC cast an actor who really was in the minority and under represented on TV instead of pandering to the Feminazi brigade by casting a woman?

In fact all the talk before the big announcement was if the new Doctor should be a woman or an ethnic minority but I had a completely different idea. How about the new Doctor being a FAT actor!

Fat actors are under represented and I, being a person of larger stature, demand respect!

Matt Lucas is fat and he’s in Doctor Who. Why? As the ‘comic relief’. Well my friends, why are we fatties always seen as the ‘jolly’ option?

Well, I’m fat and I’m not jolly! The Green Giant is jolly… He’s also green and surrounded by corn so what does that twat know?

Why can’t a fat person be seen as an intelligent alien time traveller who saves humanity, picking young women, luring them back to his TARDIS with the pickup line ‘it’s bigger on the inside’ in the process?

No, it has to be some skinny bastard. Well, bollocks! I’m starting a movement, but enough about my IBS trouble!

I want the next Doctor Who to be a fat. More than that, I want him to be so fat that he has to open both doors of the Tardis to get in. Even then it’s a squeeze. Once inside the TARDIS it will be like a scene from Caligula. Naked people everywhere, hanging over the railings, using the sonic screwdriver as a dildo, one even sitting on the TARDIS central pillar that goes up and down shrieking in pleasure.

It could be called ‘Doctor Who goes Rogue’ or ‘Inside the Blue Box’, which let’s be honest can mean a few things!

Thinking about it let’s tick a few boxes at the same time. How about the new Doctor regenerates into a fat blue lesbian whose catchphrase said in a thick northern accent while running away from her enemies to her young male companion.

“Quick, get in my blue box!”

In other scenarios she would meet a new companion and invite them to travel with her bu saying “Ooh, I’d love you to have a ride with me by coming in me box!”

The comedic potential is endless!

Note to self: No caffeine after 21.00!

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