Why Do I Do This?


Sometimes in life, something makes you stop and examine the reasons why you are doing something. Sometimes, a little self-examination can surprise you!


I’ve recently had a spat with a group of neanderthal men that you might know as supporters of Newcastle United. The biggest and best football club that ever existed, in the minds of that bunch of deluded knuckle dragging morons with delusions of other club’s grandeur.

What did I do to envoke the fury of that bunch of semi-literate fucktards? I tweeted that I would like Rafael Benitez to get the Everton job and screw up Newcastle’s season and possibly the takeover too.

I admit my timing wasn’t great, but I didn’t get to choose when Everton sacked their manager. It could have seemed like my tweet was sour grapes for our defeat at St. Jame’s Park on Saturday but that was purely coincidental.

You see, I’ve had a disliking for Newcastle’s fans since before Alan Pardew left their club. Not because I particularly liked Pardew but I think he was treated very poorly by their fans all things considered. That lot seemed to have it in their heads that the “Cockney Mafia” were running their club and they let it be known that they hated Cockneys. Well, fuck them too!

I tweeted before we played Newcastle that it would be good if Everton sacked their manager and appointed Benitez before we played them. Not a murmur from them so I wonder why they were so enraged the second time? Maybe because it hit closer to home as there actually was a vacancy at Everton?

Banter or Abuse?

On Monday evening I received an avalanche of tweets, most of which were banter in origin. I have to say 70% of the tweets were playground material such as “your a shit club” [sic] or “enjoy the Championship” and so on. Really unoriginal but would probably get an A star on Tyneside.

Some within that group decided the best way to defend their football club, which has underachieved for decades, was to personally insult me. This was water off of a duck’s back to me. I’ve been called fat, ugly, a cunt, four-eyed [insert insult here] and so on more times than I care to remember. Anyone who went to school in London or had a group of friends got the piss taken out of them so, why would that bother me?

In fact, being told I am fat and ugly by a group of Geordies who probably had mother’s with more facial hair than they could manage to grow was like music to my ears! I’d rather that than have the same group of Poundland Sunderland fans tell me that they think I am handsome!

Apart from that, a few people were quite witty and creative, which I appreciated and told them so. I have a very good sense of humour and can laugh at myself so I genuinely found a few of the tweets funny.

Two or three stepped over the line by labelling me a paedophile, a nonce and a child molester. I don’t class that as banter, it’s targeted abuse and reported it to the relevant authorities. That might seem like an overreaction but when this kind of thing stays online and searchable forever it really isn’t.

Had that kind of thing been said to me I’d have ignored it but in writing, online it is libellous and dangerous of certain people take it out of context. People have been killed in such circumstances due to people labelling someone as a paedophile as a “joke”.

Why Do I Do This?

A couple of people mocked me for having such a poor following on social media. That I get very little, if any, reactions to my tweets, podcasts, YouTube videos, Facebook posts or blog posts.

That made me wonder, why do I do this? The Geordies questioning me seemed to think I do what I do in order to be popular but in truth, I just do it for my own amusement.

  • Popularity – If I wanted to be popular then I would write about football generally or write popularist topics.
  • Money – If I wanted money I would monetarise my podcast and YouTube videos plus put advertising on my website. Money is not my motivation and in addition, I’d need to be popular.
  • Clicks – As with money, I’d need to be popular. That aside I never write anything for clicks. I avoid writing about rumours and my blog and media are aimed at my opinions, not news items.
  • Reactions – Once again, I’d need to be popular but that aside, I don’t write something to get reactions or comments. I enjoy interactions with some people on Twitter but I don’t look for comments on my posts or media uploads.
  • I’m better than other fans – Just completely fucking absurd! This has been labelled at me by Palace fans before and it just stupid. Some people think that because you do something creative that you must think you are better than other people. I was also called middle-class which is a bloody insult. #WorkingClassAndProud.

In all of the above suggestions, I would work a damn sight harder than I do currently if I wanted any of the above to be true. I can’t help other people’s inferiority complex or jealousy.

Not that this is anything to be jealous of but some people like to bring other people down than pull themselves up.

Okay, So Why Do I Do It?

In all honesty, I just want to contribute to the Palace community in some way, shape or form. I can’t be there most of the time in person and before I moved to Sweden I was a very active supporter of the club and I miss the Palace family.

When I started this blog it was after our cup final run. I found I was contributing a lot on Facebook and in online forums. I thought I could contribute those thoughts to a website I owned instead of one someone else owned. That’s one of the reasons why I am not bothered if people don’t comment on my work because I don’t often comment on other people’s.

I, like many other people, don’t like the sound of my own voice and I certainly don’t like how I look. After 40-odd years I decided I needed to do something about that. I’ve always been the one who avoided being in pictures or videos and I’m not in a lot of family memories because of that.

To be blunt, I am a self-loather which has come about because I suffer from depression, bipolar and anxiety. I’m trying to be a version of me that I want to know, like and live with. It isn’t based on anyone else’s view of me. I could receive adulation of the masses and I’d still want to not exist.

I started the podcast to get used to the sound of my own voice. I started the YouTube videos to get used to looking at myself. In both instances you are subjected to seeing/hearing yourself a hell of a lot and while I still think I am a fat/ugly fucker I have come to accept it more and am a little less camera shy.

So, you could say that is why I do this and it is working for me.

I honestly don’t care of 5, 50 or 5,000 people see my videos or listen to my podcasts. I usually have about 50 for each. If I entertain 1 person I am genuinely happy because I am rewarded in other ways.

If I wanted more views/listens I could pay for advertising, cross-post a lot, spam people, really spread myself around. But that isn’t what I want to do. I could put a lot more effort into my media, which I might do later but it isn’t my purpose right now.

Do I want to earn money from this? No. I really dislike blogs that run ads or YouTubers who beg for likes to earn money. I’ve paid for all of this, plus equipment, out of my own pocket while I was unemployed.

If someone does this as a day job, no problem, they should be paid. This is a ‘hobby’ for me. I don’t want to receive money.

Finally, the average amount of readers I get for an article is around the 800 mark. The top read post is over 5,000 views. That is more than I could ever hope for. Even if only 10% read the whole piece it is humbling for me!

Incidentally, it was an article titled “Pardew Should Be Committed To A Mental Hospital” and was written 6 months after he was sacked so…

So that is why I do this. Maybe it isn’t the reason you imagined but it is what it is. I just want to be more at ease with myself and I’d do this even if nobody read, viewed or listened.

How Much Does It Cost To Set My Own Site/Channel Up?

  • Website (domain name and web space): £40 a year.
  • Website software: Free but I paid a £45 one-off fee for the theme I use.
  • Website graphics: Free – I did them myself.
  • YouTube channel: Free
  • Podcast host: Free for 2 hours of content or £8 a month for unlimited storage.
  • Person to put it together: Free – self-taught as I went along. Lots of help forums around.
  • Microphone £150 (Rode Procaster) there are a lot cheaper microphones available but I wanted the one I got for a specific reason.
  • Camera £40 (Sony) off of eBay 2nd hand.

Or you can get a free WordPress site and use your mobile phone to record audio/video to get yourself started and see how you go. You can do a lot more if you have your own webspace than having a free account on WordPress but not everyone can afford it. A site on WordPress will have adverts though.

If anyone needs some help/advice I am happy to help! My attitude is the more the merrier!